In a move that stunned the sports world, seven-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady was announced as the new principal owner of the Miami Marlins during a press conference at loanDepot park. The NFL legend, dressed in a custom Marlins jersey with “GOAT 7” on the back, stepped up to the podium and declared: “Turns out deflating footballs was just practice—now I’m bringing championships to South Florida’s diamond.”

The acquisition—reportedly worth $1.2 billion—comes after Brady’s failed bid for a Raiders ownership stake. Marlins chairman Bruce Sherman called Brady “the ultimate winner to reinvent our franchise,” revealing plans to leverage the quarterback’s TB12 brand for player performance programs. Insiders say Brady demanded immediate changes, including:

MLB’s other owners approved the sale in a 29-1 vote (the Yankees abstained). Derek Jeter—who previously led the Marlins’ ownership group—tweeted “At least he can’t steal signs with deflated baseballs,” while LeBron James welcomed Brady to “the 305’s championship rebuild.”

Brady’s first act? Throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at tonight’s game… from a floating mound in Biscayne Bay. “If I can win a ring at 43,” he grinned, adjusting his new World Series-sized ring finger, “I can turn fish into contenders.” The Marlins’ new era begins now—with the GOAT proving once again that retirement was just his longest halftime. Read more below