Hobby Lobby Buys ‘Bed, Bath, and Beyond’ Stores

In a sad set of circumstances, toiletries and sundries giant Bed, Bath, and Beyond has filed for chapter eleven bankruptcy after it’s constant and creeping “woke” agenda did it in. This follows a similar announcement from popular beer manufacturer Anheuser-Busch, who suffered the same fate.

Conservative scrapbooking and leaf-shaped homemade ashtray supply juggernaut Hobby Lobby has been eyeing up the situation for some time now and, with thoughts of independent small retail shops, has struck, buying up over two hundred locations.

“The Lobby will now be in your favorite mall, your favorite plaza, even right off the 200 in Queefsdale, Florida,” says Hobby Lobby’s chief sprinkles officer Sandy Batt. “The Lobby will provide and you will consume. The Lobby is all.”

The former soap retailer has been steadily losing business for some time, in reality, due to the changing nature of consumerism in the United States. Nobody would rather have fancy soapdishes instead of a car.

“We’ve already emptied out most of the stores and replaced all the toothbrush holders with Elmer’s glue pyramids,” Batt crowed proudly. “And we’re also vacuuming up all the fake cloud crap. It’s gay.”

The Lobby will encompass nearly all of the old BBB locations by the end of May. The company intends to begin celebrating with a huge marketing push and a sale on desperately important things like plastic scissors and glow-in-the-dark paints.

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